#10: The Friendship Formula

thoughts from someone with very few friends.

As one of my resolutions for this year is to have more friends in the Netherlands, recently I’ve been thinking about friendships quite often. I have thought about all the friends I made throughout my life, from when I was a kid until now, a few years into adulthood; and how these friendships strengthen or loosen or even disappear over time. When thinking about how to write this issue, I did some research and stumbled upon a concept called “The Friendship Formula”, which pretty much sums up what I want to say but in a more concise way.

Friendship = Proximity x (Frequency + Duration) x Intensity

where:

• Proximity is the physical distance between you and your friends.

• Frequency is how often you spend time together.

• Duration is length of time you spend with one another.

• Intensity is whether how satisfied you are in your friendship.

  

  Image by KT Paper Designs

Being in close physical distance to each other is key (Proximity)

If you think about it, almost all of the friendships you have were created because at some point in your life, you were in a close physical distance to each other. When I was young, I became friends with the kids in the neighborhood who lived right next to my house. In school, I became friends with those who sat next to me in class (I didn’t even travel so far as to the other side of the class to find friends). During my exchange time at university, I made friends with those who lived in the same building and took the same courses. And now, I have friends living in the same city.

Of course, proximity is important because that is how friendships are formed; it’s how you meet each other and become friends. Nowadays you can also meet online, but I would reckon that online friendships are only a minority. But proximity is also an important aspect not only to form friendships, but also to keep them going. One reason is because people who share the same physical space with each other are more likely to develop a stronger bond. I would reckon that’s partly why there’s a saying: “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. When you are apart from your friends, especially when you no longer live in the same country with them like I do, even though you try video calling often, there is still something about seeing each other face-to-face that can not be triumphed.

But I think the main reason why proximity is so crucial, is because it gives you the chance to spend time with each other. If you continue living in the same area with your friends, or going to the same school, you still see each other frequently and have the chance to talk and do things together. When I moved away from my street to the other part of the city, I also stopped seeing the kids from the old neighborhood and hence, the relationships faded. We did not get the chance to hang out everyday anymore. As I grew older and moved cities or countries, my other friendships also loosened for the same reason. Even if we tried to stay in touch and call one another often, it couldn’t always be easily arranged, especially with responsibilities, time difference, etc. involved. And frankly, these meetups are not as exciting as real-life meetups. In real life, you can meet and have coffee, go shopping, play board games, go to the movies or workshops together, etc. The options are endless, which is not the case for virtual hangout.

You can almost become friends with anyone, if you spend enough time together (Frequency + Duration)

What I have realized overtime, is that you can make friends with almost anyone if you spend a lot of time together. When you spend a lot of time together, that means you meet two of the four factors: Frequency and Duration. You can see each other more often with short duration each time, or vice versa, but in the end it balances out and you’ve got a good “total time hanging out”. And if you are able spend a good amount of time together, that probably means you have the proximity factor as well (If you are able to hang out a lot online without seeing each other in real life, please teach me how).

I don’t think I have ever spent a fair amount of time with anyone, and decided: “Nope, this person can’t be my friend.” Usually it’s the other away around; initially I had a lot of prejudices and thought that somebody was too different from me, which would be unlikely for us to form a friendship. But then I had the chance to get to know them more and in all cases, we became (good) friends.

This is for me a very freeing notion, to know that anyone out there can be my friend if we decide so. Like the person sitting next to me in the cafe right now or someone I bumped in the supermarket yesterday. Most of the friendships happen quite randomly: out of millions of people, you were placed next to each other in class or on the same street, you spent time and the friendships blossomed. So the most important factor is whether you are willing to get to know each other and get the chance to do so or not. If yes, it is very likely that you will gain a new friend.

How much you vibe with each other is important, but not as much as you might think (Intensity).

The last element of the friendship formula is Intensity. It is whether or not when you are together, you feel happy, you are satisfied emotionally, you have a good time with each other. It can be that you have good conversations, you feel respected by your friends, or you do something together that you all enjoy.

There’s actually a lot of ways to meet these needs. It’s quite rarely that I spent time with my friends and thought: “Well, I did not have fun at all and regret meeting up with this person.” I think if we try, we can find common grounds with almost all other people. If your work differs, you can talk about our hobbies if you share the same ones. If you hobbies differ, you can talk about the city and country you’re both living and what’s happening in it. Your mutual friends, your past experiences, etc. are all topics you can find similarities in.

When I was younger, I thought that whether I vibe a lot with someone was key. But now I realize that it’s not totally true, especially at the beginning of friendships. When you don’t know one another fully yet, how can you know for sure if this person matches you or not? You might think that your opinions on a matter or your characteristics starkly contradict, but there might be other aspects where you are strikingly similar. Speaking from my own experience, how you feel during the first few encounters do not say entirely about where the friendships can go. I have a few relationships that did not start off promising (I used to think people who were too outgoing or vocal did not match my vibe), but ended up to be my most treasured ones. Intensity is only one part of the equation; so even if you like each other a lot and have a great time always when meeting up, the friendships cannot stay strong without proximity, frequency and duration.

So, what does it mean to me?

It is not a perfect concept, but the friendship formula has given me some chance to reflect and think about what I would like to do more, to strengthen my current and create new friendships:

• I want to push myself more to go social events and meet new people in town. As an introvert, it is one of the most, if not the most frightening thing. But no new friendships can be formed if you don’t meet each other.

• I want to say yes to more invites, or create the opportunities myself, to hang out with people I don’t know that well. Sometimes when I’m in this situation, I find myself thinking about how much I would rather stay at home and chill than spend time awkwardly with people who are pretty much strangers to me. But the friendships only get less awkward and more exciting after you spend time and learn more about the other.

• I accept the fact that some friendships change as we grow up. As I moved away from where I was born and went to school, I couldn’t meet my friends regularly. As the result, some friendships entered a different stage. We were not as close and were no longer up to date with each other’s life. I had a difficult time accepting this in the past, but now I’ve come to peace with this. We might not be friends as we were when we were younger, but we are still friends and the love we have for one another is still present.

I’m curious what your thoughts are on friendships and making friends, so leave a comment if you share the same or different experiences than I do.

And lastly, I would like to use the end of this post, to say thanks to the people who were and have been my friends throughout the years ❤️

“In the wind of change, I know nothing lasts forever. September ended, whether I woke up or not. November passed, with or without the rain. Still, I hope when our love and friendship change, it will still be love and friendship.”